By now you must already know, my man is and always was the one in control. Boy, could we fight! There is a song by Selena Gomez: “naturally”. It describes us quite good. “You are the thunder and I am the lightning” and the rest of the song is so spot on. As much as we could enjoy each other, we could fight with that same passion. And he, well he was never fazed, ever. I lost the fight most of the time. In the fact the times that I did win a fight was when I did not try to fight him but stayed calm and just humbly gave my opinion.
He was always the bossy one in our relationship and I just naturally let him be in charge, all the time. He actually started disciplining me long before I even noticed it or knew anything about DD/ttwd etc. One day when we were still young and unmarried we were riding through town on our motorbikes. I had a “scooter” and he had his motorbike. I was riding in front of him in a quiet road and did not use the stop sign like I should. When we got to the next stop sign he stopped next to me, lifted his visor, looked at me very sternly and said “turn back and go do it again, stop like you should and come back”. At first I thought he was just bluffing but he kept staring at me with his dead serious eyes and then said “go, I will wait here. Now.” So I did as I was told. Turned around with his stern gaze following me.
When I was in university I had to text him when I go to class, arrive back at my dorm, when I go out and when I came back. When I was out until the early hours of the morning he wanted a detailed explanation of what I was doing until then. That is just the way he is. I acceppted it, I never felt that it was too much for me. He never kept me from having fun or tried to control me to a point where I had no life. But he was always informed of my every move and warned me if he didn’t agree with my desicion. He also tend to give me swats on my butt every now and then. It was just the way we were.
Four years into our marriage and two daughters later we hit a very, very dangerous and rough patch in our marriage. It was a very trying time financially but also our time that we had together was limited. I was alone at home with a two year old and a newborn and he worked rediculous hours in another town. He came home at 21:00 at night and had to leave at 05:00 in the mornings. Some nights he worked so late that he rather slept in his office than to come home for three hour and go back again. Our sex life was non-existing. It took an encounter with another woman at his office to open my eyes. He did not cheat on me, he stopped the woman and told her he was married and happy. We decided then and there things had to change.We went for counseling and worked through our problems. Which was not really problems we had with each other, it was just life that happened. He quit his job and started his own business. When I found out about the other woman. I got really angry, at myself, him even God. I knew that I was not the most confident sex partner during intimacy. I was uncomfortable with myself when I had to try new things. I have good reasons for that. But that is a story for another post.
One morning I took my phone and out frustration with my failure to satisfy his needs I googled and the first words I typed in without even thinking or contemplating too long was…. Spanking. From there on things went up and down for me because obviously I sometimes ended up on places on the net that was not good or safe for me or my conscience at all. I looked at pictures and read stories until it consumed my mind. Not good or healthy at all. One day he caught me on my phone and demanded that I show him what I was busy with. I refused, so he took the phone out of my hand and saw for himself. By then I was ashamed and in tears. He lifted my chin and said softly and gently to me “Hey, talk to me. Explain to me what is going on in that little head of yours?” I don’t think he was that gentle to me ever before. I told him everything, of how I felt about spanking and his dominance and that I always put it out of my head because I felt like a freak. His words to me was”You are not a freak, this is what you needed to unlock yourself” I asked him what now, he said “we will just have to wait until you deserve a spanking.” (My first spanking is also a story for another day). That is where everything started. I found lots of blogs and resources to read. And here we are today, living it. Not completely like I want it yet, but we are growing. I stopped reading the wrong stuff that is not good for me. I pulled myself together. I restored my life with God again with the help from my husband, blog friends and God himself off coarse.
It occured to me the last few months, that it is not my husband that is my rock. It was always God working through my husband, being my “steadfast” and my “steady”. My husband is with me on that rock, his arm is around me keeping me in place where I should be and God is our solid firm foundation. As for DD/ttwd, it is just the way we cope with life and it’s challenges. We use it to stay firmly on that rock.