There were two incidents this week where my trust in “H” was tested. In reality it is not always easy to trust and submit. We are woman and we are human. We are emotional, but we also have our own opinions and desires. Sometimes the latter gets in the way of our submission and trust in our husbands. This week I have experienced just that.
Monday morning I was sitting outside, praying for my family and friends. At the end of my prayer I started praying for myself. One of the things I prayed for, was that God would steer me into a direction where I can be a helping hand to those in need. I want to give back to the community and I want my own children to experience the joy of giving and helping those less fortunate. I also asked God to help me to let go in my marriage where I haven’t let go yet. I want to put my trust in God while I am submitting to my husband trusting his judgement as well.
Monday evening my mom phoned me and invited me and my daughters to go with her to another town just for fun and maybe get some Christmas shopping done. I really wanted to go, I want my girls to experience the fun that me and my mom can have when we are togehter. Which does not happen very often. So when it was time for me to go sit at “H’s” feet to rub them with lotion I asked him if it would be fine if we go with my mother the next day. He was quiet for a long time and I knew better than to push him for an answer. So I quietly finished with his feet and hands. When he didn’t pull me up onto his lap for a long time I knew, as I was sitting there at his feet he was having an inner struggle. I could see it in his eyes. When he saw me looking at him and not at the TV he asked “when do you want my answer?” I said that I needed it soon because my mom wants to leave early in the morning. So then after a few minutes he said “if I give you my answer will you accept it or are you going to push me.” I reminded him that I always accept what he decides, he lifted his eyebrows and I said “well, most of the time”. “Okay, my answer is no. I do not have peace with it. Plus the roads are very busy in that direction because of the summer break. Sending the three most important people in my life away on that road is not something I am comfortable with” He said it with finality in his voice. I knew there was no turning him, his no means no. I just looked away, I didn’t say anything. When he saw me looking away he said “hey, look at me.” When I turned my head I couldn’t hide my disappointment, plus what must tell my mom? “sorry, he doesn’t trust you with his wife and children on a busy road”. He made it clear it was not just about my mom and the busy road because we have gone with her before. But this time he doesn’t feel at peace. After a while when I had to let my mother know that I couldn’t go, I started crying, feeling this panic in me. I hate doing something that might hurt my mom, especially if it has someting to do with “H”, because I want everybody to like him. Well, he does not care if he is not liked at all. So he pulled me up onto his lap and held me to comfort me. I knew crying would not manipulate him to say yes, so that is not why I was crying. When we went to bed, I still couldn’t get myself to answer my mom and I was still crying. After he held me for a while in bed he asked me “are you crying because you are disappointed or because you do not accept my answer?” I said it was both, because it was the truth. I felt he was being unreasonable and I really did want to go. So he got up and said “get up and tell you mother what I said and come back to bed. We are not discussing this any futher and you are done crying now as well” I could see in his body language and hear in the tone of his voice that I was very close to a sound spanking if I don’t do as I am told. So I went to the living room and while watching the Christmas tree lights in the dark, I gave my mom the answer. She was actually so sweet, she just said “it is okay, I do not expect you to go against your husband, we will have other oppotunities to have fun this holiday.” I just sat there in the dark trying to get my tears to stop so that I can go to bed , because I knew he will give me something to cry about, since he knew my pms was also lurking around the corner. He asked me the exact words I told my mother because he knows I always try to play with words so he does not look like the bad guy. But he wants me to be honest so that everybody knows and respects the relationship we have. He has the last say, period.
The next morning I woke up with swolen eyes of all the crying the night before. I looked on my phone and there was a message from a friend in our church, the one I talked about in my previous post. She invited me to join them on an outreach of our church where we would spent the day with extremely poor people and some of them are orphans. It was not very far from my home and my own kids were welcome too. (now please remember my prayer of Monday morning)
We gave them a puppet show, painted their faces, lead them in an art activity and afterwards there was a slip and slide and sweet treats for them to enjoy. It was such a fulfilling day for me and my daughters. To bring joy and relieve to these children even if it was just for one day. It turned out that I have a lot more to offer this place than I thought. They have a small nursery school for the toddlers there. But not enough funds to pay a qualified teacher to work with them. They only have a very precious mommy that is willing to help. So I committed myself to help develop this school and train the mommy to give these kids some education and stimulation. I am so excited, this is a new challenge for me, but with something that I have so much knowledge of. To give these children a better future with the tools I have in my hand is a far better reward than money or a day with my mother. While I was standing there thinking what I could do to help, it came to me, in a still small voice “can you see why you couldn’t go with your mom today”. It is all about submission, trust and acceptance.
Little did I know there was yet another test waiting for me that same evening. This one was a more physical and intimate one. Me and “H” are not deeply into the BDSM-thing, but we do have our occasional blindfolding and tying up, nothing major. Tuesday night was one of those occasions. It was very intense, very intimate and very special. I not only see it as a very loving experience on his part but also as a huge lesson of trust. The way he handled the whole situation, what he did and expected of me, forced me to only trust him and rely on him. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t move a lot and I was not allowed to speak unless asked to. So whatever happened was completely out of my control. The only thing that was left for me to do was to trust that he would not hurt me and that he has my best interest at heart while giving us both an intimate connection and a great time. In the beginning it was hard, but I forced myself to let go and gave myself to him. It was a memoreble night.
Something struck me the next morning. I need to trust not only physically, but also emotionally. Just like the blindfold the night before, am I also blindfolded for lifes challenges or roads in the future. But if my husband has my best interest at heart and I know he always tries to be lead by his faith, then all I have to do is to trust his judgement and trust that God has got our backs. Just like being tied up, there is nothing I can do to change the plans God has for me or my husband’s mind for that matter. I will just have to trust him to lead me where he feels it is best for us. This does not mean I do not have an opinion, most of the time I have one. And 90% of the time he listens to mine and then only makes a decision. It just means he has the last say and will do what is best for us. If I went with my mom I would have missed out on an oppotunity God had instore for me that was a direct answer to my prayer. Off coarse “H” did not know this, but he was listening to his heart and the Holy spirit. For some reason he did not even know himself. All he knew was that he had no peace with me going. I had to trust, submit and accept.