One week after my very wonderful experience I find myself at the very same place, writing the same test. Trust, obey and submit. Can you believe it? Only this time it had consequeces I wish not to repeat any time soon.
I am not a very difficult wife, submission comes naturally to me. Well most of the time. So severe punishments are very rare in my marriage. Now, I am talking about the kind where you can’t sit comfortably for at least a week and it even hurts when you get goose bumps. That is what I experience at this very moment. I don’t get it like this very often. I am talking about the kind of spanking that leads you to bawling tears and begging for mercy. I got one of those last night.
Firstly I can take a lot of pain, so when I do get spanked for something, like for not drinking the amount of water I should, then I do get spanked quite hard, but I do not cry or beg for him to stop. Although it hurts a lot. (I have problems with my left kidney, so water in my case is quite important). But it is not as serious like for instance let’s say, texting while driving. Now, that will earn me one of those very severe spankings I mentioned above. In a nutshell H will give me what I need and deserve, you can be sure of that.
Monday morning H informed me after a discussion we had on Sunday that he has decided to change something we did in our morning ritual. It was something very important and special to me and I don’t want anything changed. He took some aspects of it away. I was very upset and sad about it and I let my mind think itself into a black hole of emotions of rejection, frustration and self pity. I was de motivated and discouraged. I convinced myself that he did not care what I think and want. I must say my hormones were more like demons as well and cheered my emotions further into darkness.
Obviously H could see this on Monday evening when he got home from work. He gave me a firm maintenance, probably thinking it was my hormones that caused my resevered and quiet attitude. He was also very sweet, kind and supportive towards me and gave me a lot of affection. Tuesday morning he asked me if I am still not better. I kind of lied and said I feel a bit better. Well not lie, I did feel a little bit better.
When he came home on Tuesday evening he saw me still in the same condition and started asking questions, which I did not really answer with straight answers. I could see he was losing his patience with me, I tried to get out of this hole. But I couldn’t.
He has a rule, be done with everything at 7pm. During the holidays he is a bit more lenient, but yesterday he insisted I should be done early. He said he wanted some alone time with me. Now even though I was a bit of a rebel, I did obey him. Everything was done when he came home. When he entered the house he told me that he didn’t go to the gym so he just wanted to take a quick ride with his bike. So I said “you know when the kids hear you, they will want to join you” So as he wanted to explain that he didn’t think it was a good idea our eldest daughter came in and said she wanted to go with. Knowing that they were home the whole day, bored, he gave in and said it was okay.
When they came back I said to the kids they can quickly jump into the bath while I dish up. So H turned around and said “actually they should’ve been bathed already. I said 7pm” So before I could answer him he gave me another instruction and I turned around not very pleased and it was very visible in my body language. But I was not disrespectful. I started closing the curtains when he came into the living room and said “the kids are in the bath, please meet me in the garage, leave everything you are busy with and go now” So I turned around and as I was going out I quickly turned and switched on the lamp. He turned and looked really angry, thinking that I was not obeying him and said “thats 10 more”, because he said leave everything. It seemed to him that I was just going on with what I was busy with. I wanted to defend myself but he said “don’t you talk back now just go”. Was I innocent? In that very moment yes, I was. But what pushed him to make the judgement he did? My bad attitude? When he tried everything to comfort me and accomodate me in my needs during this hormonal time. But I was too busy convincing myself that he did me wrong by making the desicion he made on Monday. I was too busy sulking.
He eneterd the garage with determination in his eyes. He was going to take good care of me. “Who said you can sit, get into position, you know by now”. Oh there was zero tolerance for me. Then he started to spank me with the wooden paddle while lecturing me. “You are being discouraged on purpose, to show me you will not obey me in certain areas” I tried to explain myself but he told me to keep quiet and stand still. “It is like you want to push me into a certain direction, to force me to get harsh with you.” Again I tried to tell him that this was not the case. But I just got a very hard smack for opening my mouth. “I asked you to be finished with everything by 7, but you are not” As he was talking he just started spanking me harder so I shouted out in a crying mess. “I was, but you all went for a bike ride”. He paused and there was silence for a brief moment. He gave me one last very hard smack and said. “I am done”. I was a crying mess, standing alone in the garage. No aftercare, no warm up and innocent. Or was I?
Why am I telling you this. Not to make my husband look bad. Was I really innocent? This morning it came to me. I was innocent of the reasons he thought he was spanking me for. But it was my not very submissive behaviour of the past two days that caused him to make the wrong judgement. One thing I really appreciate about him is that he does not hesitate to apologize when he made a mistake. It has happened once before and he apologized almost immediately. But this time he didn’t and I know why. After I explained myself to him I think he realized the same thing I did and for that reason he is not sorry. He gave me an attitude adjustment while he thought he was spanking me for disobience. I knew what I was doing, in fact I told one of my e-mail friends that I need to get out of this mindset before I push him too far. Yet, I didn’t even listen to myself. The rest of the evening was an emotional blurr. I have a very good friend whom I can text quite often. While I was telling her I just got the spanking of my life I started crying again. I wished I could talk to her in person, I wished that she could’ve told me everything would be fine etc. But it was good that I had time to figure everything out for myself.
Although he did not apologize to me, he did give me aftercare last night before bedtime. “Come lie over my lap” he said while waiting for me on our bed (and not for a spanking). I will never ever forget the way he handled me, his gentleness and caring deeds. It was more than intimacy, it was a connection that has healed me from deep within. A cleansing and humbling experience. It was truly amazing .