The need for his control.

I am sure for all of us there have been weeks like I had. Weeks where the connection you have with your husband is a bit shaken. Where your comfortable, steady routine that helps you to stay focused and out of trouble gets interupted.  Things keep you busy and occupied to such an extend that you are emotionally drained and low in energy.  Weeks where everyhing that can go wrong all went wrong at once. Well this is the description of the week I just had.

As I have said before there are lots of big changes waiting fo us this year and they started to surface this week. As from next Sunday there will be two other family members staying in my house and all their belongings are allready standing in boxes all around the house. I feel like I am drowning when I look at it. Change is a very big thing for me and I will sometimes get really fearful and emotional about it. But as soon as I have dealt with that emotions in my heart, I am fine and ready to cope with any discomfort it may bring. It just takes some time for me. For example H wants to make a change to our home by building a wooden cabin with doors all around it. It will be an extension of our home but also a wooden deck if you open it up all the way. Great idea, right? Because then the family members won’t have to sleep five steps from our bedroom door but on the other side of the house. More privacy  for everyone. Since we do not know exactly how long they will be staying with us (it can be months), it’s definetly a good idea. What was my first reaction? I thought about everything that would change if we do it.I wont be able to take a quick walk outside alone without anyone  seeing me because I will have to walk through their “room”. Oh boy the list of changes it will bring was long , too long.  H could see I was not happy. But after a few days the list of benifits also became visible to me and now I am able to except his plan, even if I wanted it a bit differently and he said no. I am able to submit and see the bigger picture H wants me to see.

These changes on top of all that has happened this week, plus I was sick, just intefered with me and H’s connection. We battled to stay on track with our routine with all the other stuff like 2 PTA meetings etc, came up. I came home late almost every night this week.

By Saturday I could feel the strong need for our “DD” connection tugging at my heart. I know everything that has happened was out of our control and I know by now he wants to take care of me.  So I was not moody or mean like in the past when he still was getting use to ttwd and when he did not always know what it was that I need. I coped on my own this time. But I can feel the need for his authority and care like waves in my heart. I can feel the frustration of him letting something slide that I know I am not suppose to do, eating at me. I don’t want his grip to loosen on me. But I know it’s out of his control, so the way I act out these emotions are different from the past. I have learned that sometimes his arms that are holding me in place on our rock are needed somewhere else and there is nothing he can do about it. I will just have to learn to handle this need in me on my own. Deep in my heart I know that it won’t be long before he will be able to focus on me again. Because this is who I am, I need it and he knows it. I want his stern look when I am cheeky or out of line. I want to hear his warning in my ears if I overstepped my bounderies and I definitely need his recognition when I am showing improvement in something. And yes, I do need a spanking every now and then. I need to feel his control, it brings me peace.

imbv

So this brings me to my question, was this need for his control, authority and discipline always in me or did it increase as we traveled deeper into this thing. Is it like tasting a cookie and you decide then and there that is your favorite cookie and when you haven’t had one in a while you start craving it, because you know how it tastes? Can it be that the need for this was always present and now that we found our solution you just become aware of it easily?

How did I cope without it this week? I just kept going on like I should whenever it was possible. No matter how I felt, I just forced myself to do what was suppose to be done. I kept asking myself what would H want? This was good advise I got from a friend. I also spent time in prayer and tried to care for myself even if it meant just a quick cup of coffee or tea. Every night, no matter how tired I was or how late it was, I did not go to bed without spending time at his feet, rubbing them. This helped me to find some connection with him and to stay in my submissive state of mind. He did not expect it of me, but this was what I needed. The need is not gone, but the way I handle it is so much better. Because I know and trust in my heart that he knows exactly how to take care of me.

I also realized that the reason for the wooden cabin is actually to make the effects of the changes less stressful for us. It means he is actually taking control.  He has got my back and makes it so much easier to trust him and submit to his decisions. But oh boy, I can’t wait to have him back;)

imanvn

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. ZBG says:

    Hey Joli,
    Wow it sounds like you handled yourself quite well under the circumstances. You held on and we’re still respectful when you could have given attitude and sass. Way to go! Hang in there; he’ll be back.

    I hope this week goes okay for you. That is a big change coming and it’s okay to feel apprehensive about it. Anyone would.

    Much love and prayers too
    ZBG

    Liked by 2 people

    1. hisjoli says:

      Thanks my dear friend for always being ready to motivate me. I will make it through, stronger. Like someone told me “see this as an opportunity to grow” she has no idea how those words and your (ZBG) support has helped me this week.
      Hugs,
      Joli

      Liked by 2 people

  2. mrs.smith says:

    Submitting when we are emotionally reeling takes real self-control and grace. Well done :). I love that you were so deliberate in your self-care and continued to reach out to H with gentleness. (My guy tells me my response when I am frustrated with him should be to offer a foot rub and draw close to him. My natural inclination is to withdraw and lick my wounds independently :S). I’m working at these things too and it isn’t easy. Thanks for sharing 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hisjoli says:

      Oh Gosh Mrs Smith, let me tell you this was the first time I got it right. I hope this was the beginning of a new approach for me, because believe me I also tend to withdraw and it always blows up in my face. ❤ Good luck working on this with me. 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Kate Miller says:

    This moment where we identify our need for emotional connection and decide how to behave in response to it, this is where the rubber meets the road. Are we going to commit to truly being submissive, or just sink deeper into dependence upon our HoHs? I know how God wants us to answer that question, but oh how easy it is to take the latter option! Thank you for reminding and inspiring me to take the correct path. You have a strong and beautiful heart, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. hisjoli says:

      Oh my friend, this is why we share. Our failures and success inspire each other. We learn from each other, how special it is to have each other as honest friends. A blessing indeed.

      Liked by 1 person

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