I am sure for all of us there have been weeks like I had. Weeks where the connection you have with your husband is a bit shaken. Where your comfortable, steady routine that helps you to stay focused and out of trouble gets interupted. Things keep you busy and occupied to such an extend that you are emotionally drained and low in energy. Weeks where everyhing that can go wrong all went wrong at once. Well this is the description of the week I just had.
As I have said before there are lots of big changes waiting fo us this year and they started to surface this week. As from next Sunday there will be two other family members staying in my house and all their belongings are allready standing in boxes all around the house. I feel like I am drowning when I look at it. Change is a very big thing for me and I will sometimes get really fearful and emotional about it. But as soon as I have dealt with that emotions in my heart, I am fine and ready to cope with any discomfort it may bring. It just takes some time for me. For example H wants to make a change to our home by building a wooden cabin with doors all around it. It will be an extension of our home but also a wooden deck if you open it up all the way. Great idea, right? Because then the family members won’t have to sleep five steps from our bedroom door but on the other side of the house. More privacy for everyone. Since we do not know exactly how long they will be staying with us (it can be months), it’s definetly a good idea. What was my first reaction? I thought about everything that would change if we do it.I wont be able to take a quick walk outside alone without anyone seeing me because I will have to walk through their “room”. Oh boy the list of changes it will bring was long , too long. H could see I was not happy. But after a few days the list of benifits also became visible to me and now I am able to except his plan, even if I wanted it a bit differently and he said no. I am able to submit and see the bigger picture H wants me to see.
These changes on top of all that has happened this week, plus I was sick, just intefered with me and H’s connection. We battled to stay on track with our routine with all the other stuff like 2 PTA meetings etc, came up. I came home late almost every night this week.
By Saturday I could feel the strong need for our “DD” connection tugging at my heart. I know everything that has happened was out of our control and I know by now he wants to take care of me. So I was not moody or mean like in the past when he still was getting use to ttwd and when he did not always know what it was that I need. I coped on my own this time. But I can feel the need for his authority and care like waves in my heart. I can feel the frustration of him letting something slide that I know I am not suppose to do, eating at me. I don’t want his grip to loosen on me. But I know it’s out of his control, so the way I act out these emotions are different from the past. I have learned that sometimes his arms that are holding me in place on our rock are needed somewhere else and there is nothing he can do about it. I will just have to learn to handle this need in me on my own. Deep in my heart I know that it won’t be long before he will be able to focus on me again. Because this is who I am, I need it and he knows it. I want his stern look when I am cheeky or out of line. I want to hear his warning in my ears if I overstepped my bounderies and I definitely need his recognition when I am showing improvement in something. And yes, I do need a spanking every now and then. I need to feel his control, it brings me peace.
So this brings me to my question, was this need for his control, authority and discipline always in me or did it increase as we traveled deeper into this thing. Is it like tasting a cookie and you decide then and there that is your favorite cookie and when you haven’t had one in a while you start craving it, because you know how it tastes? Can it be that the need for this was always present and now that we found our solution you just become aware of it easily?
How did I cope without it this week? I just kept going on like I should whenever it was possible. No matter how I felt, I just forced myself to do what was suppose to be done. I kept asking myself what would H want? This was good advise I got from a friend. I also spent time in prayer and tried to care for myself even if it meant just a quick cup of coffee or tea. Every night, no matter how tired I was or how late it was, I did not go to bed without spending time at his feet, rubbing them. This helped me to find some connection with him and to stay in my submissive state of mind. He did not expect it of me, but this was what I needed. The need is not gone, but the way I handle it is so much better. Because I know and trust in my heart that he knows exactly how to take care of me.
I also realized that the reason for the wooden cabin is actually to make the effects of the changes less stressful for us. It means he is actually taking control. He has got my back and makes it so much easier to trust him and submit to his decisions. But oh boy, I can’t wait to have him back;)