I’ve got him

The alarm clock’s sound runs through my body, it not only announces the dawning  of a new day but also the start of a new week. Slowly I get up and give a sigh that comes from deep within me. So far this year has been one big rush. It really feels as if I did not start on a clean slate. As I make my coffee my head starts going over the things on my list and also the things I still need to add. Back in our room I put his coffee down and wake him with a kiss. I place his Bible next to him. Then I go to the living room to spend time alone and to read Bible and pray.

It is also there where I reflect on yesterday’s success and failures. Where I plan how to do better and to try again where I have failed. I pray for my family, friends near and far and also the people I work with and the children in my class. I have this overwhelming feeling that keeps pulling me down this year. It takes my focus away from my responsibilities and my goals. But when I am done praying and I meet H in our bedroom where he is reading Bible, then everything feels lighter. His welcoming smile makes my heart twist and the way he says “Come lie next to me” or “get in” while he lifts the sheets is so comforting. His arms fold around me, for that moment I do not have a care in the world.

As I go through the day, the never ending rush, the noise in my ears and the constant effort to keep myself calm  as a teacher of 37 children, where at least 70% of them have behaviour problems, learning disabilities  and language barriers. Trying to keep myself positive, by reminding myself that I am doing this for a greater cause than myself. I am planting seed for a better generation in a broken world.  As I walk through the tables of the children trying to meet the need of every child and I feel the energy and peace of mind being sucked out of me, I hear my phone ping on my desk. I take a quick look on my phone and read the short, but oh so powerful message from H, “I love you” with a kiss. It feels like a breath of fresh air, it calms me down and it brings me back to the place where I submit to him, but also to God. Where I know I am doing this job beacause I was blessed with a gift to work with children.

In the satff room during break, I listen to all the staff members talking about the losing battle that we are fighting. One is complaining how expensive the food is and then another about her husband who got on her wrong side this morning. I hear her words but it is not very familiar to me anymore, I can’t remember when last have I felt that kind of anger towards H. A smile forms on my face as I think “he would spank  my ass if I say stuff like that about him”. It brings a peaceful feeling to my mind, I almost want to giggle, it gets stuck in my throat, since I don’t want to explain why I giggle. They don’t know what I’ve got hidden in my mind and in my heart and over his knee for that matter.They wouldn’t understand that the mere thought of him turns me into a good girl even in my thoughts. And they definitely won’t understand how amazingly good it feels.       It ‘s my secret, my treasure. I’ve got him.

Sitting at the athletic event of my school as a time keeper at the sprints. Wishing the day could end so I can get out of the deafening noise and chaos of hundreds of children running around and shouting. Finally I hear the organizer’s voice annoucing the end of the event. I get up and almost run to my car through people talking, screaming and parents calling their children in different kinds of languages, the noise is overwhelming to me.  Rain starts pouring down and I start to run through the moving cars closer and closer to my car. I almost fall into my car with a sigh of relieve. I check my phone and there it is, another message from H, “I can’t wait to feel you, skin on skin”. Immediately I calm down and am reminded about what I have. At the end of all this madness today, I will have him to help me unwind and make me feel safe. He will keep me accountable and won’t let me go astray. He will always bring me back. As I move forward in my car there are still chaos around me, but it does not affect me anymore, I’ve got something to pull me through, I’ve got him.

It’s Sunday morning and we are getting ready for church. I go through the house attending to all that as to be done. Last on my list is to help H to clean his wounds he got from seperating two dogs that were fighting. While I do it he keeps on taking it out of my hand to do it himself. “Control freak!!” I think at first, but after the third time I let the brat in me on the lose and throw down the bandages and walk out. I hear his stern voice behind me “Joli”. I Ignore him and keep walking. “Joli, come here. If I have to call you again”, I hear him say, but I just walk on to the kitchen packing the dishes away and making sure he hears me doing it. I have this subconscious fear in me.You see my dad has this problem with his hands. It’s as if his fine motor skills got very poor. He can’t work with his hands properly anymore and things fall out of his hands easily. Since I got a lot from my dad I fear that this problem will be one of them too. So the more H was taking stuff out of my hands to do it for me, the more I felt incompetent which made my hands shaky and that frustrated me and turned me into a brat.”doesn’t he think I am capable of doing it?” ” Do I irretate him or am I too slow?”                                                                                                                                                 I heard nothing from H again, but I heard my phone ping. It was a message from H. He has this new thing he does lately, he has quite a few pictures of different kinds of spanking positions on his phone. When he plans to give me a spanking he will send me one with a time and place as a caption. This means I will have to wait for him in that position on the picture. It is a very effective strategy because it brings me back immediately.                                                                                                 So sure enough this message is another picture with the following caption “After church you will give the children something to do outside and you will wait for me in this position in our bedroom”.

It’s after chruch and I am in the very uncomfortable position he chose. I am having a hard time keeping myself in this position. The children are washing their bikes outside and I can hear H’s footsteps coming closer to our bedroom. “Can I stand on my knees, my arms are shaking” I ask him as I hear him enter te room. “no, make sure you stay in that position” I hear his stern voice as he opens his closet .Then I hear the sound of the buckle of his belt. “I did not want to make you feel incompetent, I was helping you. I understand how that must have made you feel, but it was unnecessary for you to act in such a way”. When I hear these words from him I wish the spanking was already over, since I now realize how childish I was. But unfortunately it is only the beginning and I feel the first smack of his belt burning as I hear him instructing me to count.  Each smack makes me gasp and I wish I didn’t have to count. He stops at 20 and I sink to my knees. “Did I say you can change your position?” he asks.  Boy, he can be cold if he wants to. Just before I lift my knees again   I hear him say “it’s okay we will talk about your obedience tonight, Come here”. I look up and see his arms open and he is smiling lovingly. I fall against his chest and he folds his arms around me. “I am sorry” I say without even thinking twice. “It’s okay, I am sorry too” he says. What would our day have been like without this we have. We would have given each other the silent treatment or even fight until the whole day was ruined. But it doesn’t work like that here, peace has been restored because I’ve got him and he’s got me.

My schedule  is so tight and I can’t afford to fall behind or something will not get done and usually it is my sessions  at  the gym that end up getting canceled. H and I discussed this last week as it is a huge frustration for me if I don’t get my workout. It helps me focus and generates more energy, which I really need. We haven’t really come to a solution other than to stick to the plan. But it is easier said than done.                                                                                                                                 As I enter my classroom I hear a message on my phone, it is from H “I will meet you at the gym everyday this week in my lunch time. We will excercise together and I will train you and we start  with a new program today.” I smile and suddenly this day seems brighter.This is going to be fun, I can’t wait.  It means so much to me, that he would give up his time with his friends and brother with whom he normally trains with, to come and help me in his lunch. Another message comes through “don’t be late” and I laugh, he is so bossy. I love it!          As I enter the gym he stands there waiting with his arms folded. I am 10 minutes late. Before I could explain he says, “don’t let it happen again”. I know giving the excuse wouldn’t help because he will just say that I should plan my time better. “Do some stretches so we can start”, he interrupts my thoughts. While we are busy excercising  I realize how lost I always feel when I am at the gym alone. He has so much confidence and he knows what he needs to do and does it. It makes me more comfortable in my own skin. He is strict and he does not play around at the gym, with him I get a good workout, but I enjoy every moment of it. I love the direction and motivation he gives me. The way he touches me when he is explaining an excercise. And guess what , I already have a plan to be on time tomorrow, because he is not only helping me with a new gym pogram but he is also showing me that I can fit this into my tight schedule if I stick to my plan. Because if I can be on time when he is waiting for me at the gym and holding me accountable, I can also be on time when he will not be there waiting for me next week.  I am growing and improving every day, because I’ve got him.

I’ve got him to rub my neck when it is painfully tense. His warm hands are magical. I’ve got him to ask for help when I am struggling with my planning for the day. Even my daughters answer me with a simple “mommy, daddy will fix it” if something needs fixing.  I’ve got him to pray for me and to remind me of the most important thing in my life, my faith. I’ve got a blessing sraight from God, and it’s him!

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. ZBG says:

    Hey Joli,

    That’s great that H is there for you when you need him to bring you around. That brat in us just sneaks out sometimes and runs away with our emotions. It’s wonderful that there is a tool to get rid of the silent treatment and lingering anger. I hope the gym works out for you know that he’s got you started.

    Blessings and hugs my friend,

    Like

    1. hisjoli says:

      Hey my friend, yes I think we all of have a little bit of brat in us ;). He definitely got me started at the gym and I am so grateful for that. Blessings to you! 🙂

      Like

  2. mrs.smith says:

    Oh Joli~

    How closely I relate to so much you share~ sensitive emotions causing me to “lose it,” uncomfortable, vulnerable pre-spanking positions, a HoH who is also my personal trainer, strict punctuality and self-care rules, head-over-heels in love with our husbands, and a deep love for, and desire to follow Christ.

    I would so love if we could talk more. Kate & ZBG both have my contact info if you ever have a chance to connect more.

    Like

    1. hisjoli says:

      Hi there,
      I would love to connect some more. I asked H and he said it is fine, if we e-mail every now and then. So you will hear from me soon. So glad that you can relate it reminds me that I am not alone in this. Take care my friend. 🙂

      Like

  3. Karen says:

    Hi there
    Wow! I am new around here. Thank you for sharing your life. I am learning so much

    Like

    1. hisjoli says:

      Hi Karen,
      Welcome to my blog. It’s always nice to meet new friends. Let me tell you, we have been in this for a while now, and I still feel new at this;). But I have special blog friends to help me through. So glad you enjoyed what I have shared so far.
      Take care,
      Joli.

      Like

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