Sorry for my long silence we were so busy and had a lovely vacation too.
“Show me what’s mine”. This was a frase H used several times the past few weeks. Although I don’t think he intended it (or maybe he did ;), but there is a much deeper meaning in those four words for me. The first time he said it, it was a quiet evening in our room in the flat where we stayed during our vacation. We were lying in bed listening to the waves of the sea roaring outside. (I love the sound of the ocean). He wanted some action when he said it off coarse. At first I thought “how?”. How am I going to show him, did he want me in a specific position or did he have something else in mind? Those words stayed with me.
Rewind back, eversince my husband’s family has moved in, our whole life has changed. In some ways it has changed forever, but some changes are just temporary. It helps that I really get along with them. We do everything regarding the house for my mother-in-law ourselves and I must say it’s amazing how you bond with each other while you paint or work together.
Anyway although we get along, the changes do still have a huge affect on me. In a perfect DD-story the husband will still have the time, energy and motivation to make a plan to stay on top of things regarding his “HOH duties”. He will still spank her in private, whisper warnings or “good girl encouragement” in her ear. He will still try to keep the connection between them and be the dominant man she needs. But I am not living the life of a story. The reality is that our house is not as sound proof as we want it. That there is people around us all the time, at night in the living room (no more alone time after we put the kids in bed), no more time at his feet where we can talk about stuff, no more dinners around the table as a family alone, no more action in interesting places in the house 😉 In reality these changes did not only intefere with my submissive responsibilities but also with H’s dominance. He is the one in charge, with more people under his roof there are stuff that lies on his shoulders. He lost his touch with me, not because he doesn’t want to take care of me. It’s just too complicated for us. To be honest we are really in a very stressful season of our lives. We struggle to keep the energy levels high and the motivtion to keep going like we wanted to. The reality is that even though H do have a few minutes to spare for me in the bedroom alone at night. By the time he sits down in the livingroom he is so tired that we stay there until it’s time to go to bed.
When we arrived at our vacation destination I had this idea in my head that my dominant man will be back and that he will make sure that we will make up for lost time. Yet it was quite the opposite, he had a shut down. He just relaxed completely. Could I blame him? Maybe not, but it confused and frustrated me. I needed that connection we had before our life was turned upside down. But as you all know by now I am a firm believer not to only rely on H alone. I have my faith and self control. At many stages of our vacations I have failed miserably. I need to be able to “fix” myself if H is not able to. But by the time we reached our vacation my stress levels were high, thus my needs too. I felt rejected by H and unable to enjoy my vacation. Keep in mind it was my first vacation as a “DD wife” and the sudden change of routine and no structure was aslo hard for me to grasp. No rules, no to-do list, no one that was really keeping me accountable, no spankings. Nothing. Sounds like heaven, right? But for me it was really hard to accept. But after a minor disagreement between me and H and good advice, I decided to give my very best to control myself. H was beyond lenient, in fact more lenient than before we started DD. So when those words came out of his mouth it hit me hard. “Show me what’s mine”
The question came, will I be able to show him what’s his when he is not dominant at all. When he is too sick, too tired, too overwhelmed, too busy or even handicapped? The question made me feel weak. Because I was not able to get myelf to say yes at first. I felt too needy, deprived and alone. But when I was walking on the beach the next morning I thought of ways to get my mind of myself. How can I show him?
“Show me what’s mine”. So I took a good friend’s advice and focused on making memories with my kids and H.
“Show me what’s mine”. So I went to pray on the beach every morning to get myself, my mood and my emotions in control before H woke up
“Show me what’s mine”. So I still asked his permission for the things I usually do even though he was emotionally unable to be in control like always.
“Show me what’s mine.”. So I dressed myself the way he likes me everyday.
“Show me what’s mine”. So I initiated sex in his favorite position.
“Show me what’s mine” So I listened intendly when he was telling me about his plans with his motorbike, the house or our car.
“Show me what’s mine.” So I smiled at him when I really wanted to shake him and say “hey, what about me, about us”
“Show me what’s mine”. So I payed for him, in the areas where he really needs strength and wisdom.
Because that is what I am to him. I am his, everything about me. I am not only his submissive little wife I enjoy to be, but his friend that should understand and grant him a break. I am his strong woman he can trust, that I will stay loyal to him and control myself independently when he needs me to. I am his prayer warrior who will remember him during my prayer time. I am the hands on mother of his children.That is what’s his, though my submission, trust and respect play a huge role in our relationship, that is not all I am. All of me is what’s his. His needs were just different during our vacation.
“Show me what’s mine” So I wrote him an e-mail to apologize to him for my poor behaviour at times this holiday. But I also reminded him of who and what I am. I am his and he is mine. To be continued with a much happier ending…