We were walking in the huge fabric store where you can find just about anything that’s pretty! He informed me two days before that we will be buying a new duvet set for our bedroom. So I was pretty exited! Before I tell you how catastrophic our shopping spree ended. Let me just color this picture for you. Without getting into too much details about our finances (because I am not allowed to discuss it anyways), H and his brother made some money when selling their parent’s house. Off coarse we first used it to build my mother in law’s flat, here on our property. We furnished it and made it look real pretty for her. My brother in law used his share to furnish him and his fiance’s apartment. It looks really stylish and new. H, well he has something entirely different in mind with his share.
When we were walking around the store looking for a duvet cover I had my mother -in-law and sister-in-law’s “luck” at the back if my mind. Surely I will also get something pretty. Even if it’s just a duvet cover. For once I deserve something I really want and not second best because that is all I can afford. You all know how you can sink into that “what about me” mindset. Off coarse I found exactly what I wanted. It was beautiful!!! I turned it around and saw the price. It was expensive, really expensive! H looked over my shoulder saw the price and smiled at me and said “let’s look around some more, love”. I knew what that meant. He started showing me other options “what about this one or that one”. After a while I just spat it out “but this is what I really want”, I got the straight “no Joli, I can’t spend that much money at this point, sorry.” Well there it was again, the test. So Joli what is it going to be. You’ve committed yourself to being a submissive wife. I knew the finality in his eyes tells me not to even ask again. I swallowed and tried to force myself to accept it like a good girl! But when I opened my mouth something else came out. “Well in that case you choose what you want.” Our kids standing next to us watched us closely. After the words left my mouth, I knew there was no turning back now. His eyes locked into mine, it was like I could hear him think and then he turned around picked one and went to pay for it. I waited at the door and we left in silence. Anger was building up in me! Why can’t I just get something I want for once. After all my hard work with his family and all the sacrifices I have made. Blah, blah, blah!!! You know how we can think ourselves into our own pity parties, right?! Sitting in the car I just stared out the window. Suddenly I felt his hand in the nape of my neck. When I looked at him he said “I promise I will buy you exactly what you want soon, okay?” It was an earnest promise yet a serious warning at the same time. How does he do that, I wondered while I only nodded in response. But I was still not pleased. I just kept quiet the whole day and tend to my duties. Later that evening he climbed in the bath with me and we ended up discussing “the incident” in the fabric store. It ended on a serious note. He got out of the bath, got dressed and sat on the bed waiting for me. When I got out of the bath and saw him there, I immediately thought… He can’t spank me, everyone will hear. His brother was just in the other bathroom next door. “Turn around. Get on your knees, chest on the floor ass in the air”. Oh he was angry, definitely. I felt the vulnerability rush through my body while being in this position. Then I heard his voice from behind me. “Now you will stay like this until I come fetch you. Think about what I told you when we were on vacation, what my plans with our money are. Think about obeying me, trusting me.” Then he left.
While I was there on the carpet of our bedroom, I remembered him telling me about how important it is to him to be wise and think of our future. He wants to use the money to generate more money. He is thinking of me and the girls all the time. He was never selfish before and he wasn’t when he said no in the store. It was I, although against my character, that was behaving like an unthankful and unsupportive brat. While I heard everyone talking in the house I adjusted my attitude and when he came to fetch me I was able to be my old meek self. I giggled on the inside, his brother must think to himself “she goes into the room in a quiet and sad mood and stay away for how long and then comes out a different person when her husband goes to fetch her.”
Well what do you know an attitude adjustment without getting spanked…
We are almost at the end of our trying season, I believe. As I think back I realize that even though I felt lonely, needy and frustrated some days. Even though H was seriously withdrawn and also distracted a lot. Even when I sometimes felt everything changed and wondered if it will ever be the same again. As I look back now, I see that H still had my back. He still tried his best to be what I need as I tried to be what he needs. Through all the changes, surgery, where it was a very challenging recovery for him, building the flat and work related stress. He was there giving his best where possible.
I can smile back and know, that no matter what we have to face together. No matter what changes and challenges we may have to endure in the future. H will always be there. Like he has been in the past 17 years I’ve known him. It is truly ’till death do us part.
In the midst of the storm he’s been holding my hand, not always being able to look at me but he never let go. Still steady on our rock solid love.