Hi there everyone, hope your weekend is peaceful and restful. Today I want to blog about something that concerns the men out there. Something that I haven’t been able to put it in words up until today.
A few weeks ago something very traumatic happened. I was hurting so much that I couldn’t get myself to discuss it with my blog friends, let alone blog about it. I was very needy, things are tough around here and as I have mentioned H was not himself. I got out of line with something I said. He misunderstood what I meant and decided to spank me for it. It has never happened before that I felt unsafe during a spanking. He tied me up, which he had done before. But it was only for fun during sex. This time it was different, I realized half way through the spanking why he tied me up. He was planning on taking me to a place way past my tolerance. He was so frustrated with my needyness and thought this would be the only way. In his defence, he hadn’t spanked me in a while and had a VERY good reason to think this was the solution. He even put something over my mouth. And at some point he asked me “is this what you need from me, Joli? Tell me, am I giving you what you need now?” And then continued with one of the most severe spankings I had ever had in my life! I had a tie over my mouth and couldn’t even answer him. So while I was bent over the back of the chair watching my tears falling on the floor, I realized something very tragic. He does not understand me at this point in our lives. He doesn’t get it and I am unable to put it into words. What was worse I didn’t even understand myself. So whenever I try to explain it, it comes out the wrong way and then I end up making him feel that he doesn’t measure up. Or that he is failing me or worse that I am trying to control this thing.
When he was done I just felt this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and incredible hurt. That kind of hurt that you actually taste in your mouth and feel in your chest. He let me sit in his arms trying to comfort me the whole rest of the evening. But the realization of the HUGE misunderstanding between us and me unable to clarify it, was more painful than my throbbing, bruised behind. I just sat there quietly, not knowing where to go for guidance. I didn’t have the words, I couldn’t explain it, was all I could think about. Interestingly, I had no anger towards him. I knew he was thinking he was doing the right thing and maybe he was.
Now, weeks after this incident. (We are fine and I hold no grudge against him, I know what led him to such a decision). I am still walking with the inability to explain to him what I need. As I am still in that place of needing him. I have typed my emotions in words, sat at his feet many nights wishing I could put it in words without starting a fight. He hates DD discussions. I haven’t sent the e-mail and I haven’t said a word yet. I was praying and thinking and thinking and praying (sometimes even crying and praying) and finally got to the conclusion today.
WHAT I DO I NEED, WHY DO I NEED IT?
I do not expect him to be like someone else. But I appreciate it if he really takes ownership of his role. It gives me the assurance that he has got this. However he chooses to handle it, he is in control.
I do not expect him to focus on me every second of the day. Also not to spank me for every little thing every single day. Overwhelming him with rules, regulations and leadership duties. I want to reach my goals on my own and stay mature in my daily circumstances. I want to feel I make him proud.
The security I have in knowing that he WILL help me, always. That even when I do it on my own most of the time, knowing that I have the guarantee that he WILL step in if I am not able to do it. That fulfills the need in me. It is like saying to me “Baby, I know you’ve got this, but if you can’t, I will be right behind you”. Oh, this so difficult to put in words, to make sure it is understood correctly! He doesn’t have to tell me to respect him all the time, I’ve made that decision on my own, but the fact that he agrees with me on that, that he also expects it of me and knowing that if I don’t do it, he WILL quickly remind me of our agreement, that is what makes me trust him. It makes me feel so incredibly safe and makes me feel alive, wanting to get it right without him having to punishing me all the time.
“I WILL NOT allow you to speak to me like that”
“I WILL NOT allow you to harm yourself by not drinking water etc. And if you do there WILL ALWAYS be consequences”
“I WILL NOT allow you hiding things from me, not even your emotions”
“I WILL NOT allow you to shout or curse because that disturbs the peacefulness of our home and makes you feel guilty”
“I expect you to do as you’re told, all the time”
“I WILL ALWAYS be here if you need me to listen to you”
“You belong to me”
These are the signals I need from him consistently, when his attitude and deeds spell them out to me regularly it gives me that sense of belonging, security, peace and fulfillment. It also makes him so incredibly sexy to me. Being aware of his dominance all the time is HOT! In contrast, if he is a bit laid back, I find myself falling slowly into a pit of discouragement and frustration. I feel let down by him, as if he doesn’t care and I am also not sure when he is serious about something and when not. It makes me feel insecure.
So it is not always a spanking that will get me of his neck. It is the fact that he is committed to stay consistent to our rules, goals agreements. Showing off his dominance by sometimes just giving me a look, a warning whispered in my ear, a swat on my butt, holding me at the nape of my neck, a squeeze of my hand, inspiring me to kneel, instructing me into a position that makes me feel vulnerable before him, long intimate sexual sessions and yes, sometimes a maitanance, RA or punishment where I beg for him to stop and he carries on until I am fully submitted. I don’t want to tell him what to do and how. But I do want him to do something to show me he is here, still in control, that he’s got my back. That security it brings is what I yearn for. It fulfills me and keeps us connected. It is the for sure knowledge that if I do fall, he will ALWAYS pick me up and will not leave me alone to pick myself up, that satisfies me. He will not reject me because I need him, but rather embrace and enjoy it. The fact that I know he won’t tolerate anything less than what we have agreed upon, he claims my obedience and respect, that gives me that oh so content and safe feeling. Without that, I experience emptiness that I struggle to explain.
With that I can face anything with him, through the bad and the good times because I still have his consistency to rely on. The hints he gives me keeps me in my place, without them I am full of wordless needs that get me in trouble. Consistency and trust is key!!!!!
Please know that my H is going through a tough time, he is focusing on so many things at once and that affects his consistency. I am not trying to make him look bad in any way. I have just come to a point where I can put my needs into words and understand him at the same time. Together we can face the dry and stormy times while enjoying the silver linings in between.