Hey there everyone. Phew! What an interesting ride life had for us these past few months. We went from changes to more to changes, to terrifying changes and ended at good, new and exciting changes.
H now owns a business with a partner. He has been working his butt off!! But he is happy beyond my expectations! He loves what is doing and he is good at what he does (as always). We are not nearly where we suppose to be after the damage the loss of his job brought on us. But we see so many things falling into place preparing the way for a possible successful future! We won law suits against dishonest people who tried to ruin his life. Now we look forward with peace of mind and off coarse forgiveness.
So let me answer the question that is there right on your tounge… Yup, DD is still working and very much part of our lives here. We had many ups and downs. But over all I have an amazing husband who always put us first even if it means that he cannot see us as much as we’d like him to. We hit a few rough, desert patches, much to my frustration. I’ve had many days of needs that were not met. Hence my last post. But I’ve also shared many precious moments with him, where he tried his best to give me love, direction and whatever it is I need. He really is a wonderful husband and father trying to be what all his girls need. He does fail, he gets tired, angry, distracted and makes mistakes. But then again don’t we all? I am certainly not on the list for the best submissive wives this year. But we’ve grown and learned together. I have learned what real tranceparency is and that I’m not even close to what the discription of it is. I hide so many of myself within myself and expect him to understand me anyways.
This week started out great. Accept that I got spanked Monday morning for having a horrible attitude about him reprimanding me. We had our mornings together, we had our show time and connection, we had a good chat every morning and we prayed together as a family before we left for school (on time). I missed him during the day and felt warm and fuzzy inside. I felt in love. One would think that is a good thing and it is. But I’ve noticed a pattern in me. You see by Thursday my feelings of “in love” changed into feeling extremely needy!! I sent him a short message and when he did not respond, it was enough to change my neediness to frustration and eventually Mr Frustration succeeded in talking me into anger! He kept on reminding me on how little H sends me messages through the day. In fact he reminded me about everything H does not do for me lately. By the time H arrived home from a long day at work his lovey dovey wife who kissed him passionately good bye the morning, changed into the Queen of ice, frozen with anger and resentment. I was withdrawn so that I would not feel I need him. I went outside to just get out, away from what I feel. I began to talk to myself. In the past it is exactly at this point where my feelings get me in trouble and then I end up getting a sound spanking before I get any love. So I took a deep breath and began to think where does this come from. And then I realized, I don’t talk to him about me. I have many opportunities. But because I’ve withdrawn from feeling needy I do so from him as well. I expect him to feel exactly what I feel. If he does not, then I feel rejected. How immature! So while I was having this conversation with myself and praying in between for the strength to handle my situation different for once, I felt his presence behind me and then he was next to me. He came to sit close to me and after a while asked ” so are you going to tell me what is going on with you?” I then just sighed because at this point I wanted to shout everything that was on my mind. But I pulled myself together and asked “what do you expect from me when I feel needy?” He looked at me probably thinking here comes another DD discussion which he does not tolerate,but his eyes softened and he asked “what do you mean?” I told him what I’ve experienced, that he has been busy and absent and that I want some attention. I told him that although he is more focused on his role again lately, I still feel neglected at times. But I don’t want to annoy him. “So tell me what should I do when I feel like this and my tanks are empty? What do you want me to do so I won’t end up getting in trouble and upsetting you with my moods and hormonal state?” His answer what short but very powerful, at that moment it opened a new door and brought me to instant peace. “Tell me…” he simply said.
Just that quieted my mind and I thought, yes, this is what I haven’t learned yet, being honest about my emotional state. I haven’t been honest with myself about it, let alone with H. So that is what I’m going to work on from now on, telling him what I need.