I woke up like that. All frustrated, over sensitive and moody. My mind was focusing on everything but the positive, festivities and love of the holidays.
A month ago H and I went through horrible effects of my PMS attack. Yes, I call it an attack. Because I’m literally fine the one day and then the next day I wake up in a hurricane of emotions, anger, insecurities and stress. It is also during this time that my mind sees only what’s wrong, what H does not do etc. I hate this. This PMS thing is still new to me. Bofore my 31st year I never even knew when and if I had PMS, because I had none of the listed symptoms except mild cramps the day before my period. Things have drastically changed for me recently. I’m 33 years old now and I get PMS attacks that blow my mind. I never knew how out of control these hormones can get, until I’ve experienced it myself. So after last month’s really bad experience, I’ve decided that I will be prepared this time. H assured me that he never wants to repeat last month ever again. So I was adamant to stay in control this time. I tried to a stick to low sugar, low caffeine and active life style and religously drank my vitamins etc. I also kept my mind on the positive. I was so sure that I’ve got this this time. But sure enough Saturday morning came and the moment I opened my eyes I knew that I was at this horrible place yet again. This dark depressing, frustrating and confusing place sucks you in and there is no place for you to hold on to to keep you from getting sucked in deeper. I realized that you have two choices, admit that it is what is and see it through until it is over without reacting to any thoughts and emotions you have, or, you can try to be strong and refuse to except that you’re in this and try to get yourself out and then end up in a bigger mess than you were.
I have tried the latter on Saturday. I felt angry to begin with but ended up furious by the time H got home Saturday afternoon and he immediately saw it in me. I was angry that I’m not able to get rid of this thing. By the time H was with me I was actually exhausted trying to fight this monster. I have failed, I couldn’t control these overwhelming emotions of sadness, then anger, then rejection (that didn’t even exist). I cried to get rid of it, I went on a cleaning and baking spree in the house. But nothing could stop what I had felt.
H didn’t want to stop at the shops for me, too busy during Christmas just for a roll of wrapping paper. That pushed me over the edge. I accused him of being lazy. He just turned around and calmly said “my love, your temper does not faze me at all, all you need is a warm ass. Why are you in a bad mood?” I wanted to throw something at him, because I didn’t want to admit that he was right. That I indeed needed his help in this. But he was on a mission on letting me admit that I had PMS and that I need a spanking. I didn’t want to. I want to be in control. “When we have privacy you’re going over my knee, period!” The way he said that made me even more angry, so casually as if it is nothing. So, as a matter of fact, as if it is nothing that his wife needs a red behind before she can feel better. Why!!!??!! I wanted to shout. This was not sexy, loving and fantasy DD. Let me tell you. I didn’t want it or admit that I needed it.
While waiting for him in our room my one blog friend text me and I text back telling her what I felt. All she said was “you need a spanking, babe. Let him handle it. You’ll feel better soon.” Sigh, okay it is worth a try, right? I thought.
He came in as if he was going to the groceries store. No anger or frustration. His normal self in a good mood. Walked past me and sat on the bed with a mocking sigh. With a teasing smirk on his face he said, “okay come, over you go” while leading me over his knee. As my stomach rested on his lap, I let out a breath and he resembled it teasingly and said as his hand squeezed my one cheek “ahh, feel the relieve!? Let’s fix your mood before we end up having a horrible Christmas eve.” His hand and that stupid table spoon worked very hard, long and rhythmically. When he was done he patted my butt and said “okay, let’s get ready to leave on time, please” and stood up as if he only had just finished a meal at the dinner table.
But what a lovely Christmas it was. I was relaxed and focused and in love. All during my PMS. This morning before he left he first kissed me on my fore head and then on my mouth. I just love it when we are okay and ourselves.
Okay I admit, I need his help. Even if it is only once a month, or maybe sometimes more than that 😉